Considering that my last post on here was nearly two years ago and I have some new ideas for what I want to do with this site the blog will be archived. It will still be accessible from the bar at the top but will not be featured on the front page and there will not be any new posts. Thanks, and I'll see you on the new site.
Compare my love life to dinner at a fancy restaurant for a moment. You search the menu for something that looks good, isn't too unhealthy for you, and will ultimately leave you satisfied with your dining experience. Perhaps if this were any other persons romantic life you would have settled on a nice steak or a soup & salad combo. You are a picky eater though, and have strict dietary and allergy guidelines to follow. The soup looks good but no salads pair well with it. This sets the tone for the rest of the menu but by some impossible coincidence on page 6,851 of the menu you find an exquisite looking dish that is all you ever dreamed of in a meal but could never put into words. Smart, funny, good in bed; oh, now we're talking about The Waiter. It is the perfect dish except for the small fact that you are allergic to dairy and the dish is topped with cheese. You ask the waiter if the chef could make it without cheese; a simple request. NOPE! The Chef will not mangle one of his prized creations himself but has no objection to patrons removing items they do not like themselves.
At this point the story becomes a little more tragic. You imagine the plate being brought out to you with the cheese on top. You take hold of the knife and fork and prepare to surgically remove the cheese without impacting the rest of the entree. First trying to pull the cheese off, then gently pushing it up into a lump and sliding it off to the side. Finally after many more hypothetical attempts you sit back and admire the beauty of the one of a kind meal that sits before you. Any attempt to rid it of something you are not compatible with would destroy it; And it was always intended to be served with cheese; Even in your dream within a dream within a hypothetical posed by a blog on the internet had the dish AS IS with cheese smothered over the top of it. This dish, along with all of the others at this restaurant are unique and intended to be enjoyed by only one patron before being discarded from the memory of the chef and only living in the mind of the one who consumed it. Is it fair to the dish to ask it to change? Is it fair to the person who would enjoy that dish just as much or even more than you AND is able to eat it with cheese? But is it fair to you to have to leave the restuarant and make a dairy-free entree for one at home while hypothetical patron #2 and the dish on page #6851 live in hapiness? IS IT???!!!!!
Well can you live with yourself knowing that the they never even had a chance because you weren't strong enough to bear that sadness? Just as the chef said, you must make the choice to change the dish as he has prepared it. There are some people who wouldn't think twice about ruining things for others because they experience joy as a result of it. Could I really put myself before the dish on page #6851 and not feel worse than I would with a dairy-free meal at home? I don't think I could ever do that. Life only gives you the options. You still have to make the choice.
freak. loser. loner. asshole. fuck up. WEIRD.
I've been called a lot of things by mean people and if all they are trying to do is hurt then they are not worth shit. They're not wrong. I am absolutely a weirdo and sometimes that makes life difficult. I am not the kind of person who can walk into a room and instantly befriend everyone. I don't think I ever will be that kind of person but I can work on my many flaws.
First lets point out what I am. I have been prescribed several drugs to try to treat suspected mental conditions such as ADD, ADHD, and the most recent illness that I'm not doubting but also not jumping on is Aspergers. I also experience anxiety about many things. Nothing as simple as car anxiety or crowd anxiety, I had to get the most rediculous corner cases anyone could think of. I can talk to people fine, but then something normal happens like a door closing and I choke up. I tend to make one small insignificant mistake or error and suddenly I forget the english language, my name, and how to walk; And the front of my mind gets clouded with useless shit like where the bathroom is in a restaurant that closed down or how IR works. Basically I am a weird person but somehow I managed to find some close friends who are weird like me and a best friend who might be weirder.
Next topic is sexuality. I HAVE NO IDEA! I think Dee Dee DuBuois said it best: "Who doesnt give a fuck because it all feels the same when the lights go out?" I've skipped around a few labels and then wondered why I needed a label. Well I don't but it's nice to have a word to describe it and I think the best one is Pansexual. I have some abnormal standards when it comes to "my type" and often feel little to no sexual attraction without an emotional connection (real or imagined.) That is not to say that I cannot think someone looks good until I get to know them, but emotions and deep physical attraction are linked for me and I do not like the idea of meaningless sex for the sake of sex. My one is out there somewhere, maybe a bit closer than I can bring myself to admit, and eventually we will meet and have a relationship.
If you follow my internet activity you probably have some relation to gaming, and have most likely heard of or played Grand Theft Auto V. I'm not going to review it but I will say that my list of complaints is around 10 or less and I don't see more than 2 or 3 of those still existing at the PC launch so it's a pretty damn good game. It has a little bit of eveything from past GTA titles and strings them together very well. The addition of GTA Online is nice too.
About ten years ago Rockstar North made a game called Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas that was at the center of a lot of controversy regarding the sex scenes in the game. At one point the game had to be re-released with content cut to stay at an 'M' rating. Just last month Rockstar has a new GTA title out that within the first few hours of gameplay shows a main character having sex with a drug addict in a trailer and shows two men on the side of the road getting ready to rape a woman. Not that I like the idea of rape, but that is progress.
Ten years ago that king of content would destroy a company, but we have companies like Rockstar that push a little further each time and are slowly killing censorship. This is a good thing for gaming. The better we (as a community, and as game developers) can get at viewing and presenting these things in a mature way the better we will be. I've always said the responsibility lies with the parents to decide what their children are able to play and listen to and view on TV, and there is no way that I would let any kid of mine play this game before they are mature enough, but the fact that we have this content available to us and not walled off by some ratings board or watchdog group is good. Censorship is never worth freedom.
Blog is being archived for the foreseeable future
Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger
Embrace the weird Mr. Gus, embrace it.